


Let Me Give You My Life

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9773696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: “I hate you so much,” Hongbin tells him, his voice shaky. “There’s no one in this world I hate more than you.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended song: Hozier - [Take Me To Church](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYSVMgRr6pw)

_Something has gone terribly wrong._

Wonshik shakes his head sarcastically to himself, because, really, he’s looking exactly at the thing that has gone terribly wrong. At the person that has gone terribly wrong. At the people who have gone terribly wrong.

“What?”

Hongbin’s question makes him flinch a little and Wonshik looks into the eyes of Hongbin’s reflection in the bathroom mirror.

“Nothing,” he says, moving forward to take his toothbrush out of the cup.

“You were staring,” Hongbin states, pats the remnants of the water drops off his face with the towel in his hand.

“People tend to do that, you know.” Toothpaste on the toothbrush.

“I  _know_ ,” Hongbin says, upper lip curling up ever-so-slightly, and Wonshik knows that snarl all too well. “But you were staring at me and then shook your head. What’s your problem?”

“You are my problem,” Wonshik answers, putting the toothbrush into his mouth and starting to clean his teeth.

“You’re a dick.” Hongbin announces and leaves the bathroom.

“So are you,” Wonshik mumbles around the toothbrush.

It’s almost half an hour later that Wonshik enters their shared bedroom with a towel around his hips, hair still wet from his shower. He steps to the closet to find himself some underwear and something to sleep in, but Hongbin calls from the bed where he’s been tapping away on his phone: “Don’t bother with that.”

He reaches out and yanks Wonshik down the bed, makes him fall onto his hands and knees on the mattress, Hongbin crashing their mouths together so harshly, so violently his pointy canine sinks into Wonshik’s lower lip and grazes it, opening up the small wounds the skin there is peppered with, the wounds Hongbin caused years ago and hasn’t let perfectly heal ever since.

Wonshik is upset with that, the aggression with which Hongbin kisses him, but at the same time it makes a familiar warmth spread in his chest with such intensity he feels lightheaded from it even under all the negative feelings and the coppery taste of blood on his tongue. He’s missed that warmth, has been missing it since Hongbin stopped kissing him outside their bedroom and decided he’d only be willing to do that if sex was involved. The warmth appears every time Hongbin presses their lips together, though; only it mixes with guilt, anger and shame, all of those almost destroying the feeling.

Almost.

“Don’t– don’t do that,” Hongbin gasps out, squirming under Wonshik when he is already rocking his hips forward, pressing his fingers into the skin of Hongbin’s thighs harder and harder with each thrust. Hongbin definitely wants him to stop and Wonshik knows that, but Hongbin wants a shitload of things that Wonshik would never give him. This is one of those. “It hurts, don’t you– ah, oh my God, Wonshik, it fucking hurts! You’re going to bruise it!”

“That’s my intention,” Wonshik rasps, his fingers going numb from how firmly they press into the soft flesh.

“Fuck you, then,” Hongbin says, arching up to wind an arm around Wonshik’s neck and pull him down on top of him.

Wonshik wants to shout when Hongbin bites down on his neck, his lower teeth putting a painful pressure on his already throbbing vein there, but he can’t find his voice, only lets out a faint whine. It feels like Hongbin wants to rip his throat out, and maybe he actually wants to do that, Wonshik wouldn’t be surprised. His nails dig into Hongbin’s thighs, scraping as forcefully as they can, Hongbin’s nails mirroring the action on Wonshik’s back, nearly drawing blood there as well.

Hongbin lets go of him to moan sharply and throw his head back, bunching the sheets in his hands as they fall back onto the bed when Wonshik pulls back.

“Asshole,” Hongbin says, voice hoarse, eyes heavy-lidded, sweaty locks sticking to his forehead. “You deserve no gentleness.”

“I don’t expect anything like that from you,” Wonshik replies, swallowing hard as he feels his orgasm building up in the pit of his stomach. “You’ve never been– gentle with me, anyway.”

With that and a low groan Wonshik comes, Hongbin following suit only a minute later. He’s beautiful as ever: cherry red lips parting and closing like he’s drinking the air, face shimmering with sweat, his dark eyes glinting–they’re cold; his gaze is like dry ice that seeps into every inch of Wonshik and freezes him to the point it feels like he’s burning up inside.

“I hate you so much,” Hongbin tells him, his voice shaky. “There’s no one in this world I hate more than you.”

“I know,” Wonshik replies, feeling sick with everything–himself, Hongbin, the two of them being together like this. “Every part of you radiates that.”

“Good.”

 

 

_Everything has gone terribly wrong._

Not that Wonshik hasn’t known that already, but it still strikes him like a knife in his guts when Hongbin’s jaw clenches while he’s throwing his clothes into a suitcase and Wonshik only watches him from the doorway, unable to do anything about it. Not wanting to do anything about it.

“You should just move out for good,” Wonshik says, crossing his arms in front of his chest to try soothe the horrible ache behind his ribs.

“I’m doing exactly that,” Hongbin spits, not even looking at Wonshik.

“No, you aren’t,” Wonshik replies with a gulp; there’s a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes that are threatening to fall like they do so often, but he won’t let Hongbin see them. He never lets him see them, even though he knows Hongbin can hear him sobbing in the bathroom when he finally gives in to them. He hears Hongbin crying on some nights as well. “You’re going to come back eventually, because you’re a goddamn coward, Hongbin.”

“Coward?” Hongbin turns his head to finally glare at Wonshik. He leaps forward, grabbing the collar of Wonshik’s shirt. He leans in close, his nose almost brushing Wonshik’s, his eyes screaming of his fury. “I’m the coward? You don’t even dare step out of this wretched apartment to leave me behind, that’s how afraid you are of losing me.”

“I’ve lost you a long time ago,” Wonshik mutters.

“Did you even have me in the first place?” Hongbin asks, voice low and trembling.

“I thought I did. Maybe I really did. But then you were gone and I got  _this_ instead,” Wonshik’s eyes roam over Hongbin’s face, showing him that  _this_ means the person that stands in front of him with hatred flaming in his eyes, his jittery hands gripping his shirt like he’s insane. “You’re nothing like you used to be.”

Hongbin laughs and that takes Wonshik by surprise. Hongbin lets go of him, steps back and laughs so hard there are tears streaming down his face, but they might not even be from the laughter. There’s no happiness in the way he tilts his head back, his voice is hollow.

“Really?” he asks when he can finally control himself. He still chuckles a little. “Have I changed, Wonshik? Do you really think so? Hm, I’m inclined to believe it must be because all of my friends left me when they found out I was dating a guy. Or, perhaps, because one day I woke up in an alley with a concussion and blood all over my head when a group of dickheads beat me up for being gay and I still have no idea how I’d ended up in that place. Of course, I can never be sure, how could  _I_  be? But have you thought about the possibility that it might have been you who made me change? You fucking destroyed me, Wonshik. The moment I met you, my whole life was over.”

“Are you blaming  _me_?” Wonshik yells. “I fucking lost my family! They kicked me out when I thought I was making them happy, because I was the happiest fucking person on earth, I was in love with you and I assumed they’d want to see me like that. But my father threw my clothes out the window, called me a fag, and my mother looked at me like she wanted to vomit from the sight of her own son! Do you have any idea how fucking much I miss my sister? She didn’t do anything, but she didn’t get a chance to talk to me! I have nothing, Hongbin! All I have is a person next to me who tortures me day by fucking day and detests me for falling in love with him! At the end of each day, when I lie down next to you in the bed, I feel like killing myself, but I’m so drained I can’t even do  _that_!”

Silence. There’s something in Hongbin’s stony expression Wonshik can’t decipher, something that might be speaking of Wonshik’s words reaching their target: Hongbin’s ice-cold, numb heart. But he might just be hoping for too much, Wonshik thinks.

“So why are you still with me?” Hongbin asks, almost whispering.

Wonshik’s rage isn’t subsiding but it’s shifting to an aching pain–resignation, sorrow, grief. He knows he’s crying, but he doesn’t care, he’s being buried alive by every second he spends with Hongbin anyway, looking pathetic won’t make it worse.

“Because I love you,” he says in a nasal tone, but the answer is sure, strong, something he never questioned since the day he first kissed Hongbin. “And why are you still with me?”

Hongbin swallows and hugs himself slowly, looking like he needs to keep himself in one piece like this, otherwise he will fall apart.

He smiles faintly.

“Out of habit. I’m too used to your presence.”

Wonshik drops to his knees, the crying fit shaking him hard, but Hongbin doesn’t lift him up, only passes him and leaves the bedroom, leaves their home.

 

 

_They both have gone terribly wrong._

Wonshik wakes up to movement in the bed. He opens his bleary eyes, the dry streaks of tears feeling funny in the corners of them and across the bridge of his nose.

Hongbin is lying next to him with his back turned towards Wonshik. He’s wearing the same clothes he left in, didn’t bother to change into pyjamas or to cover himself with his blanket.

“You came back,” Wonshik says, voice gravelly, deep, unsteady–as if he’s afraid Hongbin will leave again if he hears him talk.

“Wonshik,” Hongbin sighs.

“Yes?”

“I lied to you.”

“You lie to me all the time.”

“No.” Hongbin rolls onto his other side, facing Wonshik. His eyes are puffy, are shining like he was crying, like he’s going to cry again. “I lied to you about the reason why I’m still with you.”

Hongbin pauses, takes small breaths.

“You did?” Wonshik whispers.

“Yes, I–“ Hongbin averts his eyes, but then apparently steels himself and looks back at Wonshik. “I love you. That’s why I’m with you. I mean it every single time I tell you I hate you, because I do. I hate you, I hate myself, I hate the whole world. But I love you. You– you take me apart, but I love you from the bottom of my heart.”

Wonshik tries to find the words he’s looking for, wants to reply, wants to tell Hongbin that he knows, he’s never once doubted that Hongbin loved him, because sometimes– sometimes Hongbin drops the act and touches him tenderly, turns back into a toxic monster just a second later, but there are the caresses, the way he runs his fingers through Wonshik’s hair so gently–there’s affection in them and those are the things that help Wonshik through each day, that’s why he still has the strength to wake up in the morning.

He never finds those words, has no chance to find them, because Hongbin presses closer to him and kisses him, lips warm and chapped but still soft; he kisses Wonshik slowly, his hand cupping Wonshik’s face and his thumb brushing over his cheekbone. He lets Wonshik pull him close and hug him, stifles the little sobs that try to escape Wonshik’s throat with his mouth; their chests flush against the other’s and Wonshik can feel Hongbin’s heartbeat, he can hear it thrumming simultaneously with his own in perfect harmony–it’s not numb, it’s not cold. He pecks Hongbin’s cheeks and his nose, his chin, his forehead and his eyelids only for his lips to find their way back to Hongbin’s when Hongbin whispers: “I love you” and he mouths it back against Hongbin’s lips, doesn’t want to say it louder, because it’s a secret that slowly ruins them both, destroyed everything they’d had until they were left with one another only.

_Everything has gone terribly wrong, except them._

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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